Goodbye…
By Munirah Aminullah (19 Mar 2006)

Sunday, 20 April 2003

It broke my heart when I saw the person that I loved most being laid down into her grave. I tried to hold back my tears. Being the eldest daughter, I had to be strong as I would take over my mother’s role. Everybody said that I was strong but only God knows how much I suffered inside. At home, I could not hold the tears much longer so I decided to take a nap, and hoped that somehow I could forget about it and wake up realizing that it was only a dream. But before I could fall asleep, I recalled the day I received the shocking news…

Two years ago when I was in Form 5 in a boarding school, Mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. It was painful for me when I heard the news. I called Mother and cried upon hearing her voice. However, Mother was very brave. Calmly, she told me to be patient and she asked me to pray for her well being. That weekend, my sister and I went home to see our mother. She has had her tumor removed. However, she had difficulty in moving her left arm. The cancer has invaded the axillary lymph nodes, thus much tissue around that area had to be removed. It was difficult for Mother to move around in that condition and she was helpless.

Life started to be difficult for our family. Mother had to undergo chemotherapy and she suffered from various side effects. A few hours after chemotherapy, Mother started vomiting and lost her appetite. Two weeks later, her hair started to fall. I was startled to see that but I said that it was cute…tried to lessen her sadness though I knew that it didn’t work.

Life went on as usual. Mother continued her work as a teacher but at times, she had to take leave from work. After SPM I stayed home and looked after her. I always accompanied her to the hospital because she had to undergo radiation therapy. Few months later, the SPM results were released. I passed with flying colours and I furthered my studies in a medical course in a local university. I promised to study hard to become a good doctor. Mother had completed all her treatment, and I thought that she was completely cured.

During my studies, Mother started complaining of bone pain. We thought that she has osteoporosis. Mother practised qi gong. Apparently, the pain lessened and she continued her exercises for a few months. Mother had always wanted to perform her first hajj to Mecca. During her medical checkup, Mother told the doctor about her bone pain and she was asked to do a bone scan. That was when our nightmares came back…her cancer had metastasised to most of her bones. It had been only a year after her surgery and now, this new problem arose. This time, Mother was given leave from her work for two whole years.

Mother visited a well known biochemist in Bangi who advised her to be cautious with her diet. Mother had to refrain from eating meat and all food with high amount of cholesterol and salt. We showed our support by eating the same food she ate, but that lasted only for a short period… it was so difficult eating them. I pitied Mother and I wondered if the same thing happened to me, would I be able to cope with it, the same way Mother did?

Despite her condition, her application to perform the hajj was successful and on 17 January 2003, Mother and Father started their journey to Mecca. My siblings and I felt half-hearted to see our parents going so far away. Everyday we waited for their news. One day, my father called. He said that Mother was hospitalized in Madinah because of fever due to the temperature difference. I was worried because I had not been able to speak to her but Father called again and told me that Mother had gotten well after a few days. The hajj season had passed and on 3^rd March 2003, our parents arrived in Malaysia. I was so happy to see them. That night, the whole family gathered and both Mother and Father told us about their journey.

A few weeks later, Mother complained of abdominal pain and she had not been able to eat. Her abdomen became enlarged and her skin - yellowish. During her follow-up, her doctor told her to do a CT scan of her abdomen. During that time, her condition deteriorated. After about two weeks, Mother was hospitalized. Then, on Wednesday 15 April 2003, Mother obtained her CT scan result. This time, the cancer had metastasized to her liver. At the hospital, my sister and I took turns to take care of Mother. On Thursday, Mother was transferred to the Palliative Unit. I took care of her on that day.

The next day, my aunt told me that Mother had requested to go home. She also told me that Mother had vomited blood. I listened in horror and at that time I only thought of the worst scenario. At about 10 a.m. Mother arrived at home and suddenly the house was full of people coming to visit her. Sometimes Mother appeared very weak and sometimes she chatted with us like she was healthy. That night my aunts stayed at our house to look after her. At 4 o’clock in the morning, Mother’s condition started to worsen. After that she was unconscious.

Yesterday morning, people came again to our house. Mother was still in a bad condition. My siblings and I took turns to teach her to recite the shahadah. We had accepted that she could no longer get well. Last night, Mother took her last breath at about 8.30 p.m., with the rest of the family beside her. Tears streamed down my cheeks, but I had to accept the fact that Allah loves her more than us. Goodbye, Mother.
 

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