I Wish to Live Longer… I Have Breast Cancer
By Sooria Kumari Singovan, PJK (19 Mar 2006)

The memories flash by, like painful streaks of lightning. My husband was beside me, his strong hands holding me. The doctor’s words hit me so forcefully that I could not breathe. My head spun, my face emotionless, in my throat was a large lump and my eyes tearless. I expected the worst and I got it. It was like the doctor has issued a “death warrant”. He said with genuine pity on his face, “I am sorry but the pathology report confirms that you have Breast Cancer”. My husband’s face turned pale, stunned and was dumbfounded. The doctor begun to advise the lot… surgery (mastectomy), radiotherapy and chemotherapy. My knees crumbled, I did not feel it. I am vaguely aware of my failing arms and legs and all feelings have left me. My husband consoles and assures me but I have gone deaf. I sat in the car numb with feelings that were indescribable. It was grief without sadness, disbelief without denial and confusion without uncertainty.

I felt the world crash onto my shoulders. I then realised the twisted path life makes us follow… if we are fated to suffer then we will suffer. There was this certain sense of devastation that brought a blind fury in me. All the time curious questions whizzed in my mind “WHY ME??” What have I done to deserve such fate? Questions remained unanswered…. I did not have the time to answer them, let alone the keenness to know the answer… time passed by….

I am a nurse by profession. My job is to motivate and counsel women on all aspects of health and life, family planning etc. Here I am hopping about confidently presenting talks mainly on topics of “Cancer Awareness”, HIV and AIDS, parenting, dealing with teenagers etc. and stressing hard on Self Breast Examinations and Pap Smear tests. In spite of being so careful with my diet, regular exercise and yearly check up with pap smear tests and breast examinations... mammogram as well as I have a family history of Cancer.…more dreadful than you could possibly imagine… Wallah!! CANCER exists in every woven thread of my life. I am a Victim…but a survivor of Breast Cancer!!

Yes, I went through this dreadful journey in April 1998. My only child, a son, who was only 15 then, sobbed quietly. You could feel his pain, you search yourself for something confident to say to him or to comfort him but I only held him close to me. My husband was in a sorry state. My mum, family folks and dear friends were shattered. Tears of confusion, shock and empathy streamed continually, including mine, it was inexplicable fear…. Indescribable.

I journeyed through the surgery, radiotherapy and chemotherapy very bravely. My husband and my family folks gave me all the support but what I faced dreadfully in between these treatments was unbelievable. I developed a treacherous, choking and hecking cough which I still have to this day. My upper lobe of my right lung was given a generous amount of radiation which got burnt and hardened in the process. If that was not enough, I was mercilessly struck with Dengue!! My doctors conveniently thought it was the side effects of chemotherapy.

It took them two days to realise that I may have dengue as my husband was also down with it too. My blood tests showed that platelets were at 9,000 and the very next day it down to a whooping 3,000… wish to know more?? I developed red spots on my lower limbs… what’s next? I have dengue haemorrhagic fever!! Three pints of platelets were pumped into me… what I needed was optimism and I still had that one last hope. Each minute could be represented as a lifetime. I battled a war with my demons all the way and I won! Came out unscathed, though it was a narrow escape to death but I never gave up.

As time passed by, the house became a tomb … silent, cold and devoid of life. There were times when it got so quiet the silence was screaming in my ears. I felt so alone. Interaction ceased to a few uttered words.

I continued to live in this tortured existence, day after day. It was as if the entire purpose of my being was to tide over today and get to tomorrow. I did not know where I was going. But the very one thing I learnt during the journey of my treatment – you can buy anything with money, but never your life, it’s never in your hands!!!! It was only then that I realised that “being alive” is so precious and gifted and to know that “death” is waiting to trap you if you loose the battle is the most frightening experience. Believe me…. I was there! It’s a challenging game.

I am very thankful and grateful to the Almighty God, to be alive and living to the fullest and as I approach the lane’s end I wonder, what lies around the bend? For life is full of surprises. They just come in the form of various guises.

There were simply too many painful memories of that dark part of my life, but I did know one thing, “my life could not go on like this.” It was resolution that made me pursue a degree. Yes! I went to study in the University. Realisation dawned upon me. I was convinced that I don’t wish to waste some last minutes of my life. I was holding the time in my hands. One of my dreams was that one day I will be a graduate – a degree holder and I made it!!

Some good happenings and dreams came true while I was breezing through my illness. I was appointed a Town Councillor with the Majlis Perbandaran Subang Jaya. I opened my own business … a pharmacy.

I studied very hard and came through with flying colours and graduated in MBA with a degree and majoring in health care management. It was a great achievement. My family folks were so very proud of me. Determination brought me success. I wish to take charge of my life. I know many are wondering how I have come this far… well life has to go on. I am a good example. God gives me the strength and courage to live. I will treasure it forever.
 

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